Can I Have It Back.

Burrrrr. The past couple of days were unbearable, but what made it easier were thoughts of you next to me. At this point we had a routine.

I'm outside. (SEND)

I flipped over my phone and in an instant the butterflies of excitement warmed me inside. Quickly I jumped out of bed overtaken with happiness and tried not to look like a goof answering the door. I was really excited to see you.

"Hey!" You strolled into the door. I just wanted to jump into your arms, hug you, and give you a big kiss, but I was scared you'd be turned off by such display of affection.

You strolled pass me and nodded. You seemed a little uncomfortable when ever you walked in the door. It made me curious about what you were thinking at that exact moment.

Would he be mad if I just hugged him and kiss him...just go for it...ummmmm NO that's crazy I don't know how he feels about me...just do it...I can't...the argument raged on.

"How was your day," I asked.

"Chill, got some stuff done," he turned and answered.

He walked down the hall and placed his personal artifacts in our room. I watched as you walked away. You were a complete mystery to me, unpredictable; but at the same time I (think) understood you. So much so that I knew you protected yourself by not indulging parts of a story that held the most pain. I knew what you wanted me to know about you and allowed me a little bit of you.

"I'm angry, I'm a mad person," you shared.

"I can tell," physically you carried it.

"I'm mad at the world," you continued to share.

"Why? You can't possible have that much mad in you," your words stung a little.

"No I am," you stubbornly announced.

"Why do you feel like that? How come? I mean why?" I tried to understand.

"There is just so much. I've had a lot of people die in my life. I've had a lot to deal with when I was younger." your voice softened.

You paused.

I can feel the flood of emotions fill your thoughts. Moments filled with memories I felt the pain generate off your body. I felt anger. I felt sadness. I felt a sense of doubt come over you as you opened up. In an instant sorrow and I found myself overwhelmed by your pain. With the cover of darkness it allowed for words to flow freely between us.

"I have three things in my life that make me angry," I told. "If anyone knew the one thing that gets me I can tear my entire family apart." It was a deep secret that I had never shared with anyone. As the words slipped from my tongue and into the air trapped feelings that kept that secret inside seeped out. "This is something that I am going to carry with me to my grave."

There was this unusual feeling of relief having said what I had just admitted.

"I'm curious to know, but afraid to find out what it is," you asked.

"Maybe sometime I'll tell you, but its just something that will make all kinds of sense to you if you knew."

As hours lapsed the intimate comfort between us grew. I trusted the person that was listening to me, you can peak over the wall that was up. Not much protected me but I did have a certain degree of myself that I had to protect. I wasn't used to censoring myself when it came to my feelings - heart on my sleeve.

Time...

Because I don't want to leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind
Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you I called too many times
You can call me baby you can call me anytime
But you got to call me

JUST MAKE THE TIME

This one is dark...

Death's little companion.

The sleek stealth stalker lurking within,
the unconscious mind,
whispering its deeds to end a life you survive.

The calls become louder,
the urge becomes harder to fight.

Slit your wrist,
let me watch,
end this journey,
you call LIFE.

Gemma
August 2008

You think about the ending, when I know its the end

I often think, how much of this is all pretend.
A shadow of happiness to the gloom of endless.
Its a pain so unconceivable that many try and understand.

Words are misleading sentences open to suggestion.
Thoughts unfiltered.
Don't mistake this for a pain, not sadness.
Just don't care.

Unhappiness is a start to many things
or the means to an end.
Flawless in its on state,
damaging to anyone who hopes or remains.

Its an energy like no other
with the anger to destroy great minds and innocent souls.

It breaths, it lives, it multiplies...
When feelings go unanswered
or when love if neglected.

It can humble the most untamed souls.

Gemma
May 2007

In Between

We're in between the
"HEY" and "I Love You".
Its no man's land - woman's hands
Its the heart with a rational thought,
the mind when it lacks the ability to comprehend.

How do I tell you,
how does one tell,
how do you want to know?

Between the sheets,
during the kiss,
What about now?
Can you handle this?

I like you...
So childish, kiddish but sweet.
those three words set my mind free and hearts afloat.
Cupid missed me,
you haven't even responded.

He's just silent (thoughts race through my head).
He's just silent (what have I done, did he read me wrong).
He's still silent (What should I say?)

The moment lingers with stale air,
death becomes -
be still my heart.

Gemma
October 2004

beat...tempo...impulse...

It takes over the soul,
Butterflies roll,
Tossing and turning,
Fussing and yearning.

You put the,"mmmmmmm" in yeah,
the "uh-huh" in oh,
and the "schhhh" in baby you soooo fine.

The beat of love,
The tempo of romance,
The impulse in passion.

Together you and I could never be,
but in our minds we know that
he and she got nothing on we.

Our hands tease and glide into secrecy
a heated union
a journey to be explored.

Never alone in fear we'd give into the urge
to ignite what is the glances, touches and sighs.

The beat of love,
The tempo of romance,
The impulse in passion.

With each shift of your body
you manipulate the need for out lips to meet...
within an instance
a fire spins as you steal that silent hello.

In no time our lives intertwine
a moments bliss an innocent kiss.

What is it between you and I?

With a slip of the tongue,
a slide of the lips,
you mumble a wish into the air.

Is it what it is -
a quick fuck a meaningless bliss.

Gemma
Spring 2004

Has anybody ever told you that you smell sweet?

It was a spontaneous adventure -

innocent, sweet and fun.

Not romantic -

innocent, sweet and fun.

Side by side -

innocent, sweet and fun.

Our hands would met in secrecy as you'd explore -

innocent, sweet and fun.

When our eyes meet an awkward pulse fills the soul -

innocent, sweet and fun.

It's a crush...

innocent, sweet and fun.

Gemma
Spring 2004

Short Story #1 (Part 2 - Running Draft)

(fix perspective)

"I’m scared of what you’ll say

So I’m hiding what I’m feeling

But I’m tired of

Holding this inside my head..."

"Ur not gonna like what I am abt to tell u."

"...what less than 6 months later ur tryin to find a replacement..."

Your harsh words continued to rip through my text one chime after another. With each chime I found myself trying to reach out and gather what little happiness and dignity I had left. His text onslaught ripped through me like no other.

"U can't even be alone! What the fuck?!...GTFO!"

There was nothing I can say that would calm the fire being fueled by your hate. As quickly as each text came through I tried to respond, "...what's wrong if I found someone that make me happy. I can't deny myself that pleasure of finding a man that I attracted to and respect and care about...."

He continued and continued as my happiness began to collapse and spill through my fingers. I was losing quick and didn't know what caused this or where is verbal abuse was coming from.

I was used to being the receiving end of a verbal tack board, but still I didn't not see this one coming. I couldn't keep up with your fury and instead became numbed by your words and slowly physically ill.

He was great at describing a moment and telling me what he thought an all-around great story teller of despair and not hope, but when it came to sharing how those moments made him feel was a different story.

Short Story #1 (Part 1 - Running Draft)

It was a chilly October evening. I had just arrived to meet a few people and had not anticipated what was going to happen next.

Its cliche but there you were (again) it had been years since that last time I had seen you. This time it was different. In a blur you extended yourself across the table and welcomed my hand to yours. My hand met yours - soft and strong. That's what I liked in a man. What I knew about you was nothing, I couldn't even remember your name other than being, "that guy with what's his face." As the evening went on the music drained our conversation. Although short lived our encounter was brief and memorable.

I would be captivated by you from that moment on.

Dating at this point was a very very foreign concept, it was like watching Bambi take his first steps or even witnessing a poorly choreographed train-wreck. What I figured was that there could be nothing wrong with being myself.

One trait that I praised myself on...maintaining my corky-awkwardness. At times it served more as a defense mechanism when things got really uncomfortable and I had nothing to say. In times when I would feel out of place I would just swing my mood and be a little obnoxious, or maybe I just did that for your attention. In any case, I was just really comfortable doing ME. I was predictable in public, but in private it was an entirely different me.

As the days went by my curiosity would at times get the best of me. Within days I would chuckle and wondered when our paths would cross once again.

One thing that is sacrificed while in a relationship are friends. It doesn't matter if its a new dating relationship or a five year relationship: friends, time and solo routines are given up in the good of nurturing that connection you have with someone. There isn't a way to measure if a "relationship" is worth its value. To me its about making a commitment on any level and giving yourself at 100% perfection, flaws and all.

I had lost touch with a lot of my old friends and roll-dawgs. To get back into the scene I had relied on social networks. As I logged in a chime welcomed me to a message in my virtual mailbox:

SUCH A NERD! haha. hope alls well. didn't slide you my number b4

I left 619-555-5222. Only use for emergencys and booty calls, cool? lol out.

From an unknown alias. I was never to much on aliases, but 90% of the people I know have one, well I have one too. The interesting thing is that I would never refer to people by their alias, why would I want to refer to someone by their alter personality and not the real you.

I sat in bed as my laptop warmed my thighs starring at the message,"...booty call?" I thought to myself, should I be offended or should I consider the exiting, "lol" as a sign to make light of his attempt to make contact? Needless to say it was cute, but a booty call - not so cute. To this day I read that message and I find myself slightly offended.

iHaiku

I believe in you.
Memories held as prisoners,
Fuel the rage within.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Once so sure I rise.
Charm me, damage me with words,
Sleeping in I rise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Once so sure I rise
Feelings set aside, I cry.
Lost and pained by words.