Can I Have It Back.

Burrrrr. The past couple of days were unbearable, but what made it easier were thoughts of you next to me. At this point we had a routine.

I'm outside. (SEND)

I flipped over my phone and in an instant the butterflies of excitement warmed me inside. Quickly I jumped out of bed overtaken with happiness and tried not to look like a goof answering the door. I was really excited to see you.

"Hey!" You strolled into the door. I just wanted to jump into your arms, hug you, and give you a big kiss, but I was scared you'd be turned off by such display of affection.

You strolled pass me and nodded. You seemed a little uncomfortable when ever you walked in the door. It made me curious about what you were thinking at that exact moment.

Would he be mad if I just hugged him and kiss him...just go for it...ummmmm NO that's crazy I don't know how he feels about me...just do it...I can't...the argument raged on.

"How was your day," I asked.

"Chill, got some stuff done," he turned and answered.

He walked down the hall and placed his personal artifacts in our room. I watched as you walked away. You were a complete mystery to me, unpredictable; but at the same time I (think) understood you. So much so that I knew you protected yourself by not indulging parts of a story that held the most pain. I knew what you wanted me to know about you and allowed me a little bit of you.

"I'm angry, I'm a mad person," you shared.

"I can tell," physically you carried it.

"I'm mad at the world," you continued to share.

"Why? You can't possible have that much mad in you," your words stung a little.

"No I am," you stubbornly announced.

"Why do you feel like that? How come? I mean why?" I tried to understand.

"There is just so much. I've had a lot of people die in my life. I've had a lot to deal with when I was younger." your voice softened.

You paused.

I can feel the flood of emotions fill your thoughts. Moments filled with memories I felt the pain generate off your body. I felt anger. I felt sadness. I felt a sense of doubt come over you as you opened up. In an instant sorrow and I found myself overwhelmed by your pain. With the cover of darkness it allowed for words to flow freely between us.

"I have three things in my life that make me angry," I told. "If anyone knew the one thing that gets me I can tear my entire family apart." It was a deep secret that I had never shared with anyone. As the words slipped from my tongue and into the air trapped feelings that kept that secret inside seeped out. "This is something that I am going to carry with me to my grave."

There was this unusual feeling of relief having said what I had just admitted.

"I'm curious to know, but afraid to find out what it is," you asked.

"Maybe sometime I'll tell you, but its just something that will make all kinds of sense to you if you knew."

As hours lapsed the intimate comfort between us grew. I trusted the person that was listening to me, you can peak over the wall that was up. Not much protected me but I did have a certain degree of myself that I had to protect. I wasn't used to censoring myself when it came to my feelings - heart on my sleeve.